IS IT TIME TO RETHINK HOW YOU TREAT YOUR HUSBAND?
BY MELISSA TAFT
My husband travels a lot for work. When he comes off the road and re-enters into our home life, I find myself wanting him to play by my rules. I was self-admittedly a bit of a controller. After all, I like to keep the house a certain way. By “certain,” I mean my way.
Without letting Ryan relax for too long I would be on him by saying things like,
“You need to do the laundry.”
“Hey, remember to call the car dealership to set an appt.”
“Did you wash your hands before you touched the veggies?”
“I noticed you’re not taking your vitamins. Are you just forgetting?”
“Oh good...you’re home...will you mop the floor?”
I believed that I was helping him be productive. You know, giving little reminders. But the truth is I lacked trust in my husband.
This lack of trust caused me to become a nag, coach, and parent to my husband instead of the partner and wife that marriage requires.
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
- Proverbs 27:15
Women typically like to be in charge of the home. We are wired to make a house a home. This is one of our natural gifts that help us to keep the house in order.
That being the case, there are two very different roles you can adopt to achieve the goal of getting your House in Order. One actually gets your home in order while the other creates complete disorder. Here are the two roles:
1. The Controller – This style involves forcing your spouse, and others, to do what you want them to do. The thinking is that without your help they just don’t have the intelligence or ability to do even the most basic of tasks. Think “Micromanager.”
2. The Collaborator – This style involves helping your spouse understand your needs, concerns, desires and expectations. It requires willingness on your part to be an encourager, suggest solutions and ask for participation. This attitude will provide an optimal environment to work together without being pushy. Think “Team Player.”
Clearly I was operating from The Controller role and it was hurting our marriage. Ryan made me aware of this one day when he finally got fed up and exclaimed, “Hey, I’m not a third grader, I know what needs to be done so leave me alone so I can do it!”
At first, I got offended and I wanted to remind him of the one time back in 2007 when he forgot to do that one thing. Instead, I bit my lip and decided I needed to change.
If you find yourself needing to treat your spouse more as an adult than a child, here are three things to consider:
1. Marriage isn’t just about you – Keeping this in mind will help you to see your spouse as a person rather than someone who is there to do what you want him or her to do. You also will avoid getting offended, which creates a huge open door for demons.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8
2. Ask instead of tell – Asking if your spouse would do something for you gives him a voice in the process. You are giving your spouse a chance to serve voluntarily. This is a great foundation for marriage.
3. Be ok with “No” – By asking, your husband might say, “No. I can’t do that right now.” Don’t get upset or think your partner doesn’t want to serve you. The reality is he has an agenda for his life as well. Remember, getting mad when you get a “No” is still a form of control.
So, the next time you feel the desire to control your hubby, ask yourself the question, “Do I want to be married to an adult or a child?” If the answer is “adult” then perhaps you should start treating him or her as one.